Dear Faithful Readers,
I have sent Phil on an errand so that I can write to you all in private. He's supposed to be bringing me back some dried insects for a wall mount. I wouldn't usually go for such things - I don't believe in wasting food - but they are certainly aesthetically appealing, and I know it will take him a while to find them. With any luck, by the time he gets back I will have finished this note.
To be honest, I was a bit worried about his reaction. Once I have posted it I don't expect he'll make too much of a fuss. However, I know he's really enjoying the blog writing and I think it's helping him to exorcise a few demons, so I certainly don't want to cramp his style. After all, I had to do an awful lot of coaxing just to get him to write the story for me in the first place. And despite his initial reticence about sharing his personal life, he has been quite forthcoming.
I do like my touch sensitive keyboard, though, and I relish any opportunity to use it. So today it's my turn again. Besides, sometimes I have things to contribute, too.
For example, that whole story with Phil and Jill reminded me of how little I understand human relationships. That thing about the museums was just one aspect of social interaction that I don't get. But there are others.
Take the sex thing, for instance. I don't understand the importance people place on it, nor do I comprehend the controversy surrounding it.
I see the point in making baby spiders, but why else would you have sex?
First of all, sex is dangerous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you don't do it right, terrible things can happen. You have to approach your partner really carefully and communicate with very clear signals, or you risk a rebuke, or worse. You have to make your intentions clear, and then you have to make sure that they want what you want. You have to dance for them. You have to caress them to keep them calm so they don't attack you. All these complicated rituals when all you want to do is offer a little romance and the chance for a family.
And if you're not careful, you could get eaten.
I know I told Phil that spiders didn't eat each other and that the whole thing was a myth. Well, it's not entirely a myth. Many of our females do in fact try to eat us after sex. Nevertheless, it's nothing personal on their parts. Usually they're just hungry.
You might ask "Why do you do it, then?" Well, the answer is simple and somewhat embarrassing. When they're in the mood, they smell really nice. It makes us guys crazy. What can I say? That's just the way we're made.
Still, that doesn't mean that most of us choose to be a post-coitus snack. Most of us run. Some of us are simply faster than others. So when Phil said 'I suppose it depends on your mood,' he was almost right. The truth is that it mostly depends on your speed.
So I don't understand why human beings place so much importance on sex. You can resist these primal animal urges that drive us to such unsafe animal acts, can't you? I mean, people are smarter than us arachnids, right?
I understand monogamy even less. As you must see, our females are fiercely independent and, well, it's hard to see the point of staying faithful to someone who could turn you into an entrée if the mood hit her.
You might think that sounds sexist, but that's another human being thing. In our case, it's not sexist at all. It's self preservation. Many of my cousins only had one chance at sex because they opted for a little pillow talk and were eaten before they could get away. So they didn't really get a chance to be unfaithful, but I can't say that they wouldn't have been if they had lived a little longer.
In my case I was lucky. I suppose you could say I'm the one that got away. (But not the only one, of course.)
I must confess that I have only ever had one mate. She didn't eat me, so I was there to help her raise the kids, and we're still in touch today. I'll probably have Phil tell you more about that at some point in the future. For now, all you get is a taste.
Speaking of which, as much as she and I love each other, she probably would've eaten me after sex if I hadn't done my business and gotten myself off that web as fast as my hairy legs would take me. I've never asked her outright, but I know my species. And thus I also know it wouldn't have been personal. She feels the same way about monogamy as I do, obviously. What's the point? We both know that passion is a fleeting thing. There are so many arthropods and so little time. By the way, she has never discussed any other lovers (or any snacks that she was on a first name basis with), so if there were any, I'm happier not knowing.
People also have these issues with sexuality. I don't understand why. Unless you're in the business of making kids, what does it matter who you couple with? Male spiders, female spiders, they're all the same if it's not about having offspring. If they smell nice and that drives you crazy, then enjoy. Just one warning: don't let them eat you. A hungry partner is dangerous, regardless of his or her sex.
Finally, regarding human beings, the biggest problem I see with their relationships has little to do with monogamy or even sexuailty, although the concepts often overlap. It's the domestic issue. The sharing of space. Some people just don't live well together, no matter how they feel about each other, no matter what they do together or separately, no matter how they feel about sex. They just don't adapt well to a shared space.
Phil and Jill always seemed to infringe on each other's territories when they lived together, at least from what I can gather from Phil's stories. It would have been so much easier if they could have built two separate webs near each other. Then they could visit each other as often as they liked and still have their own homes. They could have each arranged their threads however they wanted to. They could have visited each other's webs and admired each other's tastes and still had their respective spaces. They could each have had alone time.
Don't human beings do that? I'll have to ask Phil.
Please don't think I'm completely stupid. I know people don't spin webs. That's not what I meant.
Anyway, I'm afraid I've been rambling. Besides, I hear someone at the door. I hope I haven't bored you. Obviously Phil can't post a picture today because he doesn't know I've been writing this.
Until next time,
Marvin A. Spyder
"Marvin, I'm home."
"(Whew. Just in time.) Hey there! I'm in here."
"You have no idea how hard it is to find dried insects in this town...."
