Part 7: Old Flames

A Note to Our Readers:

This next section is an essential part of the story and is therefore unavoidable. Nevertheless, I feel a certain vulnerability revisiting this particular period of my life in such a public manner. I have chosen to do so for the sake of clarity and continuity and, as has become abundantly clear, because my relationship with Marvin is not only personal but also professional.

In other words, I have sold my personal life to this literary cause, and Marvin is signing the checks.

Also, after the narrative experiment of the last entry, I confirm that it is easier to tell the story if I don't consider myself a major character in it but rather write as if it had all happened to someone else. This doesn't make it any less factual, but it somehow helps me to feel slightly less embarrassed.

Thank you, readers, for your patience during this awkward communication.

Yours truly,

Phil



Phil paced the living room obsessively. He had never felt as helpless as he did at this moment. He was desperate.

And as we all know, desperate times call for desperate measures. Or at the very least, one begets the other.

Phil reached for the phone and picked up the receiver. He paused, steeled himself, and dialed. Holding the receiver to his ear, he chewed on a fingernail and waited.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Hello?"

On the third ring, as she had done for as long as he'd known her.

"Jill?" he squeeked.

"Phil? Is that really you?"

"Jill, you know I wouldn't..."

"Phil. I thought I made it clear that I didn't want you calling me anymore." She didn't sound angry, but Phil got a chill down his spine. When she was cool and calm, she was worse.

"You did, Jill, of course you did. But that was months ago and..."

"And that was exactly the point. I say 'Don't call me anymore' and you don't call me anymore."

"Jill, it's just that I have..." 

"Time is supposed to go by and you're supposed to think 'Gee, it's been months since the last time I called Jill,' and that's how it's supposed to work." He heard a click, then a silence, and finally a long exhale. "Actually, it would work even better if you didn't think about me at all."

"Jill, you're smoking. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not smoking because you upset me." Even as she said it, he thought he could hear something different in her tone. "I'm smoking because I feel like it. I... I don't need to justify myself to you, Phil."

"I didn't ask you to. And it's not what you think. I haven't been thinking about you. I just have this situation..."

"You haven't?"

"Yes, I really have. I have this situation and I needed..."

"No, I mean you haven't been thinking about me?"

"What? Oh no, of course not. I haven't thought about you in ages," Phil replied. "The reason I was calling..."

"Good."

"...is that I have this situation..."

"I mean, I'm glad."

"...and I... Glad about what? I haven't even told you what the situation is yet."

"No, I mean I'm glad you haven't been thinking of me. That's good."

"Jill, I called because you're the only person I can share this with."

"So in other words," - Jill's voice went up a decibel or two - "the only reason you're calling me is because you need something. I see you're back to your old tricks."

"What tricks? I'm calling you because I think you're the only one who'll understand me," he pleaded. He pressed the receiver harder to his ear. Silence. Exhaling. "Jill?"

"I'm waiting. Let's get it over with."

"It's a little difficult to explain."

"It can't be any more difficult than that time I caught you with the four guys in the jacuzzi."

"They were in my band. It was a creative meeting."

"It certainly was creative."

"It was nothing, Jill! We've had this conversation! Multiple times. You were always the only one for me. It's not my fault you were jealous of the band."

"If I was the only one for you, why did you divorce me?"

"You divorced me, Jill."

"Fine, You win this time. So what's your problem?"

"I lost a friend today, and now I don't know what to do." Phil's voice broke as he said this.

"Oh, Phil." Her voice softened. "I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"Well, we were in the supermarket..."

"Uh huh."

"And when I finished the shopping I came out and just like that, he was gone."

"Just like that? At the supermarket?"

"Well, I left him at the gumball machines. When I returned, he...he..."

"He was dead, honey. I understand."

"What?"

"He was gone. It's okay."

"Jill, he was gone gone. Not dead gone."

"Oh," she sighed deeply. "What a relief. I thought he had died. Wait, so then what's the problem? I mean, maybe he just got tired of waiting and went home."

"When I got home, he wasn't here. I've looked everywhere."

"He lives with you?"

"Well, not officially. I just met him yesterday afternoon. We've discussed his moving in, and he said yes, but nothing's offical yet. He spent the night with me, I made him breakfast, and we went to the supermarket. And now he's gone." Jill didn't know whether to comfort him or hang up.

"Phil, look, obviously a lot has happened in your life since the last time we spoke. I can't say I understand everything you're telling me right now, but let's take this in steps. First of all, I need you to calm down."

"I miss him, Jill. I'll feel terrible if anything's happened to him." Phil's voice wavered, and Jill wondered if he was crying. 

"I'm glad you feel comfortable telling me all this, and I'm sorry if I've been callous in the past. Even though I've asked you to keep your distance, I still accept you and I love you, in my way."

"I know, Jill. Thank you." Phil sounded a bit calmer.

"And I love you for who you are, not for what you do, or with who you do it. And I want you to know I understand, no matter what you have to tell me."

"Last night was a real discovery for me. I confronted some of my biggest fears." 

"I'm glad you were able to finally do that, Phil. Since when have you been dealing with this?"

"For as long as I can remember. But now things are different. It's changed me. And I miss Marvin."

"Okay, okay. Just give me a minute." She paused, thinking. "Please understand that this is all a bit hard for me. You've known since before we were together?"

"I tried to tell you. Remember how I always used to make you leave so I could clean the house alone? I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't let you see me like that."

"Uh, well, thank you for that. I don't think I would've wanted to see that either."

"It was pretty ugly."

"Phil, don't say that. You have to accept yourself for who you are. There's nothing unnatural about it. Still, don't you think it's a little strange to get so emotional about some guy you just met after just one night? Not that I know much about these things."

"What guy? What are you talking about?"

"All this that you're telling me... Your friend Marvin..." Jill voice trailed off.

"...Is not about some guy. Marvin's a spider."

"..." Click. Long silence. Looooong exhale.

"Jill?"

"Phil, just shut up. I'm reviewing the conversation."

"Okay..."

"..."

"..."

"Okay. I'm ready. Now, as you were saying, Marvin's a what?"

"He's a spider. I found him last night. He's really nice. And I'm worried about him."

"Phil, actually I'm a little worried about you. Do you mind if I come over? I think I need to hear this in person."

"So you understand?"

"Oh, I never said that. No I don't. Not at all. But this is a little too strange not to at least hear you out. For now, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not ruling out calling the guys in the white coats."

"I know it sounds a bit strange. It's been a long twenty-four hours. You know I wouldn't call you unless it was important." 

"Okay. Give me half an hour and I'll be there. And be prepared to mix me a strong drink. Sounds like I'm going to need it."